Yesterday I spent a good four hours talking with someone who has recently been diagnosed with clinical depression. This person has returned our lives after shutting us all out for the past few months.
In some ways these months of radio silence have been a relief as I certainly don't have much knowledge and experience of meaningfully coping with more severe forms of depression. However, this person has also been missed this summer and their absence has affected other people in my social circles. For these reasons alone, I am immensely grateful that our communication channel has been reopened.
I entered the discussion merely with some half-assed intention of expressing my support in the battle against this bitch of a mental disorder. To let them know that we will stay there, come what may. What I could not expect was how deeply therapeutic and eye-opening this conversation turned out to be for myself as well.
When someone is so down that life mostly feels banal and meaningless, there is no reason to censor one's thoughts for social atmosphere's sake. Honesty has room to arise. Some of the things being said yesterday were clearly distorted brain chemistry talking (and the general foot-in-mouthness from my side), but all in all I think there were two people who came out of that long conversation feeling lighter.
Being able to so openly address our usual taboos and make fun of them - mistakes in the past, suicidal thoughts, illness in both of our families - was not unlike letting pus out of a wound. For once, we could sit down without pretending it's more gezellig than it actually was. And what do you know, we had more fun than have probably ever had together before.
Monday, August 18, 2014
Thursday, March 27, 2014
Gelukkig
One of my favorite things about the Dutch language is that luck and happiness can be expressed by the same word, 'gelukkig'. Right now that feels very apt as I have reach a point where I am feeling both extremely fortunate and joyous.
The reasons for this mental state are multiple. First of all, as nice as it's been to see our friends for longer than it takes to finish one beer has been, I'm glad that the weeks of sleeping on people's floors and couches are finally over.
M and I found a place to live in nowhere else but at the heart of the legendary Jordaan area. We will be having the whole top floor of a beautiful 18th century house shared by three other young professionals. Not only does this save us a lot of money, but we also get to live in one of the most charming streets of Amsterdam together with extremely fun people with whom we seem to share a lot of interests.
Secondly, spring is here, and people are acting accordingly. Folks are humming, singing, taking a few dancing steps, flirting, and most importantly, SMILING.
The third reason for my bliss can be found behind blue eyes. Goddammit if he doesn't make me feel like a giggly schoolgirl and howl with laughter like a retarded hyena.
The reasons for this mental state are multiple. First of all, as nice as it's been to see our friends for longer than it takes to finish one beer has been, I'm glad that the weeks of sleeping on people's floors and couches are finally over.
M and I found a place to live in nowhere else but at the heart of the legendary Jordaan area. We will be having the whole top floor of a beautiful 18th century house shared by three other young professionals. Not only does this save us a lot of money, but we also get to live in one of the most charming streets of Amsterdam together with extremely fun people with whom we seem to share a lot of interests.
Secondly, spring is here, and people are acting accordingly. Folks are humming, singing, taking a few dancing steps, flirting, and most importantly, SMILING.
The third reason for my bliss can be found behind blue eyes. Goddammit if he doesn't make me feel like a giggly schoolgirl and howl with laughter like a retarded hyena.
Wednesday, March 19, 2014
Home is not where you live but where they understand you.
Welcome, welkom, tervetuloa!
I created this blog to track my thoughts and write down observations while embarking on a fresh chapter of my life in a new city, Amsterdam. The blog name is a reference to a wonderful Dutch B movie from the 1980s. For those uninitiated, Amsterdamned is a story of a serial killer lurking in the canals of Amsterdam (resemblance to my own life remains unclear). I highly recommend anyone to watch it, along with other classics by the same director, Dick Maas, such as De Lift (about a killer elevator eating people), Flodder and Flodder in Amerika.
I won't introduce myself in more detail as I assume anybody who reads this already knows me in person, and if not, whatever there is to be known should shrine through these ramblings here. Without further ado, let us begin.
In a lot of ways, relocating from Brussels to Amsterdam symbolizes freedom to me - and I am not talking about the social liberties usually associated with the Netherlands. What I mean is that even though we have yet to find a place to live, the atmosphere of Amsterdam already feels more natural and suitable than that of any other place currently could, at least in Europe. During the past month I've experienced twice an intense rush of what could be best described as euphoria (yes, I tipped my fedora while it happened). I am just so damn happy to be here, in a city that I once loathed.
Accepting my first real job ever (which happens to be part-time) and moving here came essentially down to a choice between time and money. After seeing so many burnouts-in-the-making in the Euro Bubble and even amongst our friends, the choice became evidently more clear. Moreover, having a lifestyle where I am vulnerable and dependent on my income and job security because I have filled my life with unnecessary junk that needs paying every month is a terrifying thought.
For these reasons, Amsterdam shall not only be an opportunity to have the most fun I can and rekindle my relationship with the Netherlands I love so much, but also yet another attempt material and mental minimalism. My partner (to whom I will refer to unimaginatively as 'M') and I semi-unknowingly practiced it while shuttling between our home countries and while living in Southeast Asia a couple of years back. It was incredibly liberating and fulfilling. We came back with richer than ever, yet our backpacks and bank accounts became lighter.
As a philosophy minimalism has always made sense to me. In practice, my version of it can be summarized in a few words: relationships only with people with whom all impact on each others' lives is positive or at least meaningful, mindfulness, fewer but better quality items, and a French wardrobe.
However, I let something happen during our stay in Belgium. As we emptied our flat in Brussels with M and his father earlier this week and saw what a I pile of shit we have managed to horde in merely six months, I gasped. At the same time, the amount of people I consider friends there was very limited. That I do not want ever again.
Therefore, even though the fun but uncertain suitcase lifestyle will hopefully end for the time being and some sort of settling is ought to begin, I will do my best to honor these principles and fill the luxurious amount of time I now have in my hands only with things that matter: adventures, good people, arts and culture, lifting and other forms of taking care of myself, giving back and being part of the generosity economy.
I created this blog to track my thoughts and write down observations while embarking on a fresh chapter of my life in a new city, Amsterdam. The blog name is a reference to a wonderful Dutch B movie from the 1980s. For those uninitiated, Amsterdamned is a story of a serial killer lurking in the canals of Amsterdam (resemblance to my own life remains unclear). I highly recommend anyone to watch it, along with other classics by the same director, Dick Maas, such as De Lift (about a killer elevator eating people), Flodder and Flodder in Amerika.
I won't introduce myself in more detail as I assume anybody who reads this already knows me in person, and if not, whatever there is to be known should shrine through these ramblings here. Without further ado, let us begin.
In a lot of ways, relocating from Brussels to Amsterdam symbolizes freedom to me - and I am not talking about the social liberties usually associated with the Netherlands. What I mean is that even though we have yet to find a place to live, the atmosphere of Amsterdam already feels more natural and suitable than that of any other place currently could, at least in Europe. During the past month I've experienced twice an intense rush of what could be best described as euphoria (yes, I tipped my fedora while it happened). I am just so damn happy to be here, in a city that I once loathed.
Accepting my first real job ever (which happens to be part-time) and moving here came essentially down to a choice between time and money. After seeing so many burnouts-in-the-making in the Euro Bubble and even amongst our friends, the choice became evidently more clear. Moreover, having a lifestyle where I am vulnerable and dependent on my income and job security because I have filled my life with unnecessary junk that needs paying every month is a terrifying thought.
For these reasons, Amsterdam shall not only be an opportunity to have the most fun I can and rekindle my relationship with the Netherlands I love so much, but also yet another attempt material and mental minimalism. My partner (to whom I will refer to unimaginatively as 'M') and I semi-unknowingly practiced it while shuttling between our home countries and while living in Southeast Asia a couple of years back. It was incredibly liberating and fulfilling. We came back with richer than ever, yet our backpacks and bank accounts became lighter.
As a philosophy minimalism has always made sense to me. In practice, my version of it can be summarized in a few words: relationships only with people with whom all impact on each others' lives is positive or at least meaningful, mindfulness, fewer but better quality items, and a French wardrobe.
However, I let something happen during our stay in Belgium. As we emptied our flat in Brussels with M and his father earlier this week and saw what a I pile of shit we have managed to horde in merely six months, I gasped. At the same time, the amount of people I consider friends there was very limited. That I do not want ever again.
Therefore, even though the fun but uncertain suitcase lifestyle will hopefully end for the time being and some sort of settling is ought to begin, I will do my best to honor these principles and fill the luxurious amount of time I now have in my hands only with things that matter: adventures, good people, arts and culture, lifting and other forms of taking care of myself, giving back and being part of the generosity economy.
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